What if you thought about mortality every time you put on your underwear?
This is an authentic question that I have been pondering ever since my co worker Helen sent me an a vintage underwear ad this morning. The ad centered around a picture of a topless woman turning around to smile at the camera, about to put on what looks like a Goodyear racing suit? In bold, big letters, it reads “My mother always told me to wear pretty panties in case I got hit by a car.”
Take a moment to process this. All the time you need.
This was not the advice I received from my own mother, and, come to think of it, she never touched base on how to conduct myself after I’d been hit by a moving vehicle. Why is this not something we’re speaking to our children about? What will the EMT think when they pull your child out of an inflamed vehicle and she’s wearing drab granny panties? These are questions I can guarantee would never have crossed my mind if Helen hadn’t found this ad in the dark corners of Pinterest.
“Anything can happen. And usually does. So be ready,” the ad warns (threatened)? Is this what Ellie Goulding meant in that song from GIRLS? In a world where Trump is president-elect and Lindsay Lohan has created a new accent, the ad isn't necessarily wrong? Should I be preparing for disaster before I put on my undies, Final Destination style? I can’t remember what underwear the victims from those movies were wearing when they perished— if you remember, please leave a comment below.
“[But] we know what you’re after is looks,” the ad reassures. “And Eiderlon has ‘em. Cuckoo, wacky, nutty prints. Wild flower prints. Charming flower prints. Bright solid colors. Snow white white.” Wait, wait, I’m sorry. Didn’t you JUST warn us that we may get hit to death by a car today?! You not only want me to wear white underwear, but white white? If I’m squashed under an SUV, aren’t those whitey tighties going to be tied-dyed with a mixture of unsavory colors?
The ad for Eiderlon (which is no longer an underwear company, just checked) ends with another bit of— um, confirmation?— that we didn’t know we needed.
“Underneath it all, you’re a really beautiful person.” Ok, thanks? I’m left to wonder if readers still found a way to be touched by this sentiment this after 1. Wondering what that really is doing smack dab in the sentence? Is someone talking about me behind my back?! and 2. Am I going to die today?
I can’t answer either of these questions for you (I’d consult a psychic) but I do hope you’ve never had to question whether you're on death's door (wheel?) when you peruse our website. If you have, can you let me know? I’ll set up an emergency meeting with our developers. Thank you.