This month, we were privileged enough to hear from a group so marginalized and so systematically silenced that their cries are rarely ever heard and their demands rarely ever met. We’re talking, of course, about meninists; known by some as Men’s Rights Activists, and by others as the world’s most effective form of birth control. What was the issue oppressive enough to elicit a plea, loud enough to force the world into listening, with or without our consent, from the men on the frontlines of the world’s most overlooked social movement? The issue of the tampon tax, of course. Or rather, the issue that women have an issue with the tampon tax.

Curb Your Enthusiasm/HBO

The pro-tampon-tax yawp we’re referring to has reverberated all the way from Essex County just northeast of London to our computer screens in NYC, all thanks to a hero who stood up for himself and his fellow man when no one else would. 19-year-old Ryan Williams (certified Biology Master and local reigning champ of the board game Operation) posted on social media that the taxpayer should not be held accountable for a woman’s inability to hold her bladder long enough to make it to the toilet before she periods all over herself. This is a very valid argument, if we are willing to accept that a woman’s period is just bloody urine that comes from the bladder and can be “held” until careful release over a toilet. We all know, however, that this is utter lunacy.

The obvious biological explanation is that a woman’s period blood exits the body through the nasal cavity, and an especially heavy flow is triggered by a hefty sneeze. Ever wondered why women are so grumpy when we’re riding the crimson wave? It’s not because of hormones--it's because we’re dealing with being the inferior gender while simultaneously fending off a common cold! And the deceit is shoved even deeper up this vaginal canal of lies. In fact, the true meaning of the term “PMS” has been hidden by feminists intent on perpetuating the cultural myth that it stands for “Premenstrual Syndrome." In reality, PMS actually stands for “Pretty Much Sick.” The great PMS lie is just another instance of feminists twisting the truth so that they can enjoy their lives of luxury surrounded by endless supplies of useless tampons that don’t even fit up their noses.

We’re here to say once and for all that, culturally, we have been completely misplacing our concern when it comes to a woman’s period. Women don’t need *tampons*--what women need is decongestants.

And though he was not entirely on the right track biologically, we want to thank Ryan Williams for bringing this overdue conversation to the forefront of the global conversation about menstrual hygiene, and for giving us the space to debunk this illustrious tampon tale for good.

Gesundheit.

by Emma Glassman-Hughes