Nothing quite describes the holiday hustle like neurotically dashing through a department store or unfamiliar street to track down a restroom. Sure, hunting for super cool (bargain-friendly) personal gifts 🎁 for your fam is all fun and reindeer games until the unpredictable urge comes into play. Well, last week, after boisterously blazing through my holiday shopping list with my partner and 4-year-old daughter, our joyful jubilee was drastically interrupted by my need to pee.
My crew and I were headed back home after a full day of holiday shopping. It was so successful that we even managed to swim through the crowds of people at Rockefeller Plaza to snap a couple of shots of ourselves in front of the iconic Christmas tree 🎄. Suddenly, while in the taxi, I realized that our day of spirited success might mean nothing if I ended up with soggy pants. So, I found solace in crossing and un-crossing my legs to 🎶Jingle Bell Rock🎶. Then, I whispered to my partner, "I'm straight up going to pee myself. We have to get out of this cab." He immediately told the very understanding cab driver, "So sorry, sir, can you just pull over here? I really need to use the bathroom." (He's a keeper.) We all got out. My daughter was very confused. But thankfully, the Plaza Hotel was nearby. I sprinted like I was straight out of a scene from "Home Alone 2" and made it just in the (Saint) Nick of time.
My big take-away from that night? Create a list of dance moves that us lovely leakers can refer to when we 1. need to control unpredictable urges 2. bust out in dance to seem like we're super excited about the holidays at any given moment 3. mask our need to go while in public spaces (i.e. festive gatherings, dinners w/ in-laws). *For best possible results pee-proof undies are highly encouraged 💁🏽*
Cooking up a festive flavor storm in your apartment for the Ugly Sweater Party you're throwing? Thought you could hold it past your fave line of Silver Bells? Realized you were sadly mistaken? No big deal!
What to do: Just shimmy! It can be subtle or super sassy. Either way, it'll keep the flood gates securely closed while you boogie your way to a restroom.
You're waiting in the world's longest checkout line & seriously wondering if you'll pay for your goods before 2017. Oh yeah, you also really have to pee 😁. You've been waiting for like 36 mins to score this 50% off deal for the telescope your adorable niece requested but you know none of these strangers are gonna save your place.
What to do: Jog in place, of course! If you get weird stares, simply yell, "2016 has been one crazy year, OK?! Just burning off some steam. Try it!" The store will most likely be playing Feliz Navidad and Frosty the Snowman on repeat, which is perf for this high-energy maneuver.
Yay, you & your boo are decorating your abode with holly, garland, and Gingerbread-scented candles. Uh-ohhhhhh...drank too much mulled wine? Turn your pee panic into a impromptu dance paaartay for two!
What to do: Flap both arms and feet in and out (*with a touch of moonwalk movement*) until you safely make it to your porcelain throne.
Underachieving Rockette (❄️Speax team fave💦)
Devouring chocolate-covered pretzels, guzzling Bailey's w/ coffee, and catching up with your fave cousin, Sharon, might be the best ritual of the holiday season. Not so chill when your bladder can't hold the amount of liquids you imbibed (no judgment...'tis the season after all 💁🏽).
What to do: Well, first off, no one likes an overachiever during the holidays. So even if you can pull off the mesmerizing high-kicks exactly like the Rockettes, we recommend keeping it safe and mellow while around fiercely competitive fam. Don't want your Uncle Henry to one-up you, pull his hamstring, and put a halt to the merriment.
Nothing's worse than needing to go during your family's high-stakes Secret Santa exchange. Why must it always happen when it's your turn to rip through wrapping paper? All eyes are on you. Aunt Linda is praying that you love the gadget she purchased from the Home Shopping Network. Then bam!
What to do: Don't fret, just cross and uncross your legs to whatever tune is playing (sorry, might not work if it's Silent Night) until your dear Auntie sees that overenthusiastic smile on your face because you *totally love* the grape slicer she got you.
*Gorgeous hand-painted gifs by our very own brilliant Bridget Collins*
~What other moves do you use to keep your leaks at bay?~
Posted: Wed, Jul 31, 2019